the Loewst Common Denomonater

Cologne made from Michael Jackson's Hair

2009-12-01T12:22:00.010-05:00

John Reznikoff, a guy who owns a lot of celebrity hair, to create a new cologne that is made with strands of Michael Jackson's hair... click for moar

My question is: which hair?

I couldn't fin a pic of pubes that didn't make me throw up, insert ur imaginary one here

Thanksgiving Dinner at the Plaza Hotel - circa 1899

2009-11-20T09:26:00.004-05:00

All prices are in ¢!

from Ephemeral New York

quality WTF music & video

2009-11-16T15:01:00.002-05:00

original post from ectoplasmosis

Michael Jackson seance

2009-11-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

real life lols

do want hard...

2009-11-10T10:25:00.001-05:00

How to spend $47,221 on lunch

2009-11-06T09:41:00.004-05:00

from Urbanspoon here

5 octivs on the piana

2009-11-05T00:10:00.000-05:00

punch 'em in the dick - what it sounds like

2009-09-23T18:23:00.001-04:00

sauce

fat dance

2009-09-14T12:07:00.003-04:00

Neither Fat people nor Europeans should be allowed to dance. They look like retards, seriously. BUT if you're fat AND European, spotlight is on you my sweets.

Ultimate Muslce Roller Legend...

2009-08-31T15:49:00.001-04:00

I dunno but this is yay!
srsly
yay

Passive Agressive Notes

2009-08-19T14:51:00.004-04:00

A new favorite blog. It's one of those sites you read at work and fart from trying to contains your intense lols.

Here's 2 good'ns:

Boogers

Hair on the floor

Go two hear fore moar: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

Drop the Zero and get with the Hero...

2009-08-12T11:31:00.006-04:00

Vanilla Ice in the movies, where to do I begin?

Too Smoov:

Jumping motorcycles and slow mo sexy eyes:

You didn't know Naomi Campbell was in it? You didn't know girl could sing?

Who stole the show in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles II?

a 7 layer dip of awesome

2009-08-06T23:15:00.001-04:00

The Last Supper

2009-07-31T09:38:00.003-04:00

Sauce

LOLCANO - click for animated

2009-07-24T16:57:00.003-04:00

dildo dog

2009-07-02T16:20:00.001-04:00

my dog is too small to pick up the gf's rabbit

Awesome Blerg!

2009-06-23T03:06:00.003-04:00

Couldn't remember this URL for the longest.

It's filled with magic like this:

Go to sexypeople-blog.com. I dare you not to jizz urself

Win

2009-06-11T11:31:00.002-04:00

Yay
frum hear

when you fly alot...

2009-06-03T12:48:00.003-04:00

...like alot alot, you join flyertalk and post questions like "Have the new lie-flight seats in with AVOD been installed in BF on Continental's 777-200ERs that fly CO87 EWR-PVG route?"

Often a simple yes is all I want, but there are people who fly so much they get invited to parties celebrating this kinda shit and document that shit with pics like this. Check out this dudes grill. I just want to know if it's gonna be a nice plane, but this dude has a raging boner for flying. Damn dude. (actually thanks dude for the info, I'm kinda psyched too. Don't tell my friends)

Space Monkeys - for seriously

2009-06-02T16:15:00.003-04:00

Canned Dehydrated Imitation Flavored Space Bananas

click picture for the National Geographic article. Don't worry, the monkeys lived.

Lego Silence of the Lambs: Put the F-ing Lotion in the Basket

2009-06-01T22:00:00.003-04:00

This video is made of WIN and CAPSLOCK and !!!!1

...

2009-05-29T18:59:00.000-04:00

van damn

2009-05-29T17:18:00.002-04:00

Picachu for reals

2009-05-27T17:08:00.002-04:00

Don't hate

via arbroath

this is neat. Watch it.

2009-05-18T16:33:00.003-04:00

Ad for a toy car maker. Who needs green screen?

Dekalo
by firat

found on boing boing gadgets

wheelchair day!

2009-05-15T16:49:00.003-04:00

wheelchair keyboard cat thx to Wooo Mag

Swine Flu Mask Reviews

2009-05-07T13:04:00.009-04:00

Thank god I found a good source of totally ineffective surgical masks that do nothing to protect me from the over hyped spread of the Mexican H1N1 Pig Flu.

I bought a bulk pack of 50 of these beauties. Be sure to get yours too. If you're not sure this is the mask for you, check out these insightful reviews and leave one of your own.

~~Knowledge is power~~
~~Sharing is caring~~
The more you know

smells like the Tuscan Milk reviews from days of yore.

Half boner for this - it's SFW

2009-05-06T11:00:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I get boners for things that I don't want to get boners for, say like... shaved wookie pron. I used to get a boner in math class senior year high school. No hot girls in the class, a cranky old dude teacher, regardless it happened every day. I could spend 5 minutes trying to come up with a funny "theory" as to why this happened; but the real reason I'm writing this so there can be some text above the picture. Just for post-erity.

I get a half boner for this and I'm truly not embarrassed. I would probably get a full boner if I didn't have work to get back to.

thanks to buzzfeed.com for making posting fun shit way to easy

Foie Gras - stop bitching

2009-05-05T12:49:00.011-04:00

The Voice has a feature article "Is Foie Gras torture" that comes with a slide show visit to the Hudson Valley Foie Gras Farm.

You might be thinking, Village Voice = gay pinko liberals so it's gonna be a buzz kill read about the tortured life of those poor wittle guys. Well go unsubscribe from your Vegan Outreach news letter, cuz after reading and watching the article you'll see why the Voice's conscience is totes cleans. Besides, I don't think Norman Mailer would approve of his writers being pussified weiners about the feeding technique of some admittedly cute, but otherwise stupid delicious bird.

While we're on the topic it is my valuable opinion that the voice has the best food coverage of all NYC publications. They've got my favorite food writer, Robert Sietsema's awesome column, Counter Culture. They also host a kick ass blog called Fork in the Road.

So, if u ever cared in the first place, now u can have a clean conscience while racking up the calories, and while you're at it buy a Save Foie Gras tshirt, I'm sure it's 100% organic cotton.

Yay for cholesterol! Yay for eaters rights!

hold on to your dicks - katamari for ps3!!1

2009-05-04T13:15:00.001-04:00

And it's in HD and there's different skins u can apply for different looks. Fuck yes. Who doesn't like this game? Girls even like it!

Tiny Weener Tazered

2009-04-27T16:46:00.005-04:00

I've asked just about every girl I've dated, every lady friend I have and all the women of the night I've paid for "how small is the smallest you've ever seen?". I just have to know this stuff. Every girl has a story about this one guy, and the descritopn is usually punctuated by holding up the right pinky and using the thumb and forefinger of left hand to indicate how short the pinky size weener is.

Well this is the smallest I've ever seen and it's attached to a crazy man getting tazered by the po-po.

Win for all (NSFW)

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Neat Death

2009-04-23T15:33:00.002-04:00

srsly

Meghan McCain's got awesome taste in music, no srsly

2009-04-20T10:17:00.004-04:00

I ended up on Meghan McCain's blog today and a few posts from the top she posted a playlist that includes Richard Hell, The Wire and X. And she included a song from an Ennio Morricone soundtrack, holy Fuck!! I could date this girl on the strength of her playlist alone. Srsly. That and her 7, wait no, 8 houses?

She also went to some republican summit and trashed Anne Coulter and Rush, but based on her music taste I'm not surprised she isn't scared of those two tampon heads.

Here's the playlist, click for biggar.

http://mccainblogette.com/

Susan eFing Boyle?

2009-04-20T09:41:00.004-04:00

This weekend I heard this woman's name mentioned on the radio a bunch of times and over heard it in conversations on the street etc. What I have gathered is that she's a contestant on American Idol and that she's really ugly and a virgin and old. I guess everybody loves old virgins and they're pulling for her to win. Needless to say I don't watch American Idol.

Now I could be entirely wrong because I inferred all of the above from hearsay and radio clips, but anyway Huff Post has a funny rundown by Sarah Walker. I never read the HP but maybe I'll start.

"My Susan Boyle Fears"
As Susan Boyle's stardom catapults to unknown and unimaginable heights, here is what I fear for the future:

* The phrase, "He/She is no Susan Boyle" referring to the next unattractive person who competes on a reality show who doesn't have her talent.

* Alternately, the phrase, "Pulling a Boyle" if someone is unattractive and surprises people by succeeding at something.

* People yelling at me for calling Susan Boyle unattractive.

* The Susan Boyle Movie (Working title: "I Dreamed a Dream") with Susan Boyle played by Hollywood Actress Anne Hathaway in heavy makeup.

* The interviews with Anne Hathaway detailing her weight gain to play the role of Susan Boyle. (Anne Hathaway loves ice cream!)

* The woman's magazine articles explaining Anne Hathaway's Ways To Lose Weight (And Fast!). (No more ice cream!)

* Anne Hathaway's tearful Oscar speech when she wins Best Actress for her role as YouTube Singing Sensation Susan Boyle in "I Dreamed a Dream." (She could have never done it without Susan Boyle).

* Anne Hathaway calling Susan Boyle on stage with her during her acceptance speech. (I do look forward to Susan Boyle saying something charming and Scottish).

* Anne Hathaway/Susan Boyle duet at the Oscar ceremony with Sting as surprise guest.

* The Susan Boyle Halloween costumes.

Belly Fetish Videos

2009-04-17T09:52:00.006-04:00

I was kinda youtube famous for a while when youtube was new. All you needed was 2000 views and you could be the most viewed for a few hours. That racked you up viewers fast. I sound like Al Bundy. Anyway if u been on youtube a real long time you prolly discovered smoking fetish, which is just dudes sitting in front of their computer smoking cigs. The funny part are the comments "I love at 2:13 when he takes a drag and that little whiff comes out of his mouth. Ughhhhh I'm so hard right now" shit like that. Anyway smoking fetish is so 2005.

The hot fire these days is belly fetish. I found out about it a couple years ago when some funny dudes from youtube, that I became IRL friends with, started getting belly fetishists commenting on their videos (some of the dudes have teh bloat). Anyway the best belly fetish dude is BellyHunter. Bellyhunter is a grower. Dudes who chug beer and u can watch their stomach get bigger and bigger. Fucking weirdly mesmerizing shit. I've yet to receive a boner form this but I'm sure it'll come around one day. This is the kinda stuff that 'turns you' gay. Bellyhunter he disabled embedding so I give you Atlcub79. Earth is a weird:

PS - if u have a youtube account and you sign up for rev sharing, prepare to lose a shit load of subscribers. They weed out the inactive ones.

If you watched the above video and do NOT have a boner, you are not a belly fetishist :(

i got nothing

2009-04-08T12:22:00.006-04:00

yessss i love strippers fuck!!1

2009-03-31T11:00:00.005-04:00

I just think you should know that. fuck. im yelling, can u hear that in my type? good. strippers are awesome, they are better than jet skis. nothing is better than jet skis. yesterday was monday, did u know that dummy? yeah well it was. and its a good night to see strippers. i tel u this cuz its good information to have on hand. can u here me yelling? thats cuz im so psyched about my hangover and the GIANT hole in my wallet. and im not kidding, i am psyched about that shit because strippers are awesome and i get to think about them all day. they smell good and they put their boobs on your face and on mondays there are no other dudes there so u get all the good ones to urself. and guess what there are good ones out on monday night u dumb fucker. thats right. there was a nice meaty one from texas. she was 22, she smelled like febreeze and it was awesome. she had a big butt and it was awesome. she had a good face on too. her face was nice and awesome, she looked like alexis texas who also has a nice face and a big dumper is awesome. im still yelling. it's like a rude beligerent really loud talking type of yelling, tits fuck. also i drank alot, did i mention that? my knees are all sore. do ur knee joints get sore after drinking? well fuck off mine do, in fact im gonna go for a walk and do some squats cuz it makes them feel good. oh man, my boner is going away. bye

why the auto industry is teh failing hard

2009-03-30T11:24:00.004-04:00

thx UAW

sauce

The Crying Hotline

2009-03-25T14:56:00.003-04:00

U should see this for it is winning the day.

Kinda week that they couldnt get a number that spelled something. 900-SAD-FAGS comes to mind.

The Pains of Being Pure at Sucking

2009-03-19T11:15:00.010-04:00

I keep seeing this band in reviews and lists and show lineups and under other circumstances this might pique enough interest to type their myspace URL and listen to 1 or 2 songs.

But their name is so god awful I won't, nay, can't do it. This faggotry should drive any self respecting music fan to the hills of Ugh Puke. The name congers Morrissey if he got raped and only played acoustic all ages shows.

What kind of self righteous poetry readers play in this band? If you have the audacity to choose such a phony bleeding heart bull shit how can I expect anything you play to be remotely good. The name tries to sound so honest and vulnerable, but anyone who would want this as name wouldn't use it cuz their Dads beat them so hard they've learned to pretend to not be such wimps. If they wanted to reveal all this crap through their name just go with "The Pain of Being Self Righteous Wussies".

Since I can't listen to them, maybe it's a massive pisstake I'm not in on and they play some awesome fuckit style indie punk-metal, well the joke goes too far. I can't handle it. You want an ironic pussy name for a not pussy band, go with Gay For Johnny Depp (swoon).

That last sentence was just an excuse to name drop those guys who are awesome and have one of the best band names evar.

Other awful names, tho I've listened to & like most of these
Iron and Wine (like him)
Bonnie "Prince" Billy (like alot, extra bad name tho)
Broken Social Scene (pretentious as fuck name, good 1st album)
The Boy Least Likey (worst of honorable mentions, don't like their music)

Feel free to ad to the list

SHIT BIRD ORL!!!1

2009-03-16T08:17:00.004-04:00

Hacked sign on my block, saturday night. Gothamist says this been happen all over the city. That's all.

Tranny Gets hit by a truck

2009-03-13T12:43:00.003-04:00

Has everyone seen this by now?

A group of Brazilian transvestites were on the street ~~flashing their yucky, humping cars, and reminding the squares why their lifestyle is unworthy of legal recognition~~ protesting for equal rights. Then there is a terrible accident.

Beware, this is a total bummer, you'll feel bad all day. Because they just want the public to see transvestites are respectable members of society deserving of the rights granted all free peoples. Sadly in this peaceful attempt one ~~brave soul~~ intolerant jerk fucks their shit up.

Moral? Don't block traffic on pizza night in the barrio.

What does 1 trillion dollar$ look like?

2009-03-10T11:54:00.014-04:00

I was at the airport one time and a UPS guy right in front of me put a shrink wrapped cube of $100 bills in the metal detector. It was about 8 ft^3, or 2ft x 2ft x 2ft, like the size of a 24" TV ok? Well I nearly shat. In fact I did, just a tiny little nugget of woah in my briefs.

Anyhow dude put it down on a hand truck and went into some special door. It was fucking baffling, I figured they've got better ways of doing this, fax? But if the US mail was good enough for Harry Winston's Hope Diamond I guess UPS works fine for a measly stack of benjamins. At the time I could never guess the value, but based on the pictures below I'd say about $10 million.

Anyway here's a really neat post hijacked from this place

$1 Benjamin = 100

$10,000 = 10 Thousand

$1,000,000 = 1 Million

$100,000,000 = 100 Million

$1,000,000,000 = 1 Billion

wait for it...

$1,000,000,000,000 = 1 Trillion:

TARP is really big.

If you're fucking bear proof

2009-03-04T16:21:00.006-05:00

then you also better fucking be ninja proof if this negro ursine sneaks up on you. My uncle was bear proof but without ninja skillz now he's deathed.

ninja cat here if ur behind da timez

via TYWKIWDBI

HADOUKEN FATTY

2009-03-02T13:50:00.009-05:00

This video = awesome. Fat people for the wynn!

After wiping away the tears of lol, I needed to find the correct spelling of Ryu's catchphrase for this post; devil's in the details fuckers. Anyhow I went to Ryu's extensive wikipedia page, at the bottom of which is a link to this faggotry. It's a 4 day feature article from IGN.com entitled "The top 25 Street Fighter Characters of All Time". When you think your job is the suck, be happy ur not responsible for this utter garbage:

"Ryu is a guy who goes out and fights other guys because he wants to get stronger and fight even stronger guys. There might not be the steadiest paycheck in it, but you could do a lot worse for a direction in life."

Right on D.F. Smith, there could be a worse direction in life, if only I could help you think of one...

Hot Cross Buns

2009-02-26T09:38:00.007-05:00

When you keep a blog of mean spirited humor, links to youtubes starring mental patients, and your occasional snobby music review, remember to save a little space for foxy hotness. Your blag is incomplete without it. Everyone's a motherfucking taste maker, but if you get a boner, once in a while you got to share.

Here's some hot fire in heels with a great rear, baby oiled legs in the about to take off my shirt pose. She reminds me of a really sexy girl who lived across the street from me. I caught her a couple times with the blinds open. (I have binoculars, but it's 4 lanes and a median so, you know). Anyway the first time she was trying on different underwear in the mirror so I guess she had been shopping. I was in awestruck. Truly, I had never thought about that. When girls are getting sexy dressed up they have to make sure it looks right. Duh! But it was an absolute revelation, like when I was 25 and realized that I always have the ingredients for french toast, but never think to make it. Amirite?

Anyhow, the most memorable part was when she started putting on different bras in the mirror and lifting her shirt, I guess to see if it matched? Stunning. I actually never got to see her boobs or anything cuz she had to turn around to reach for the each item before putting it on. But it was still the hottest thing I saw out that window. Plus she had one of those sexy backs, even tho I never saw her bum. After about 25 minutes of watching this, a dude showed up just a minute after she finally chose something. Lucky fucker, I hope he stubs his toe really really bad.

Now she's moved out and there's a new girl there. I've seen this one fully naked on a number of occasions. She's way too skinny, has kinda ratty hair and have that jun-uh-say-kwa. One time she was dancing around like an epileptic mental case without a shred of clothes. It was super entertaining but not so much a boner moment, even tho there was boobs and all.

Alas this picture reminds me of my first across the street girl, fare thee well maiden of apt 3G on the north side of Houston st. You will forever reside in my spank bank.

pic sauce

Xoopit is a delicious fried radichio in spicy butter awesomesauce

2009-02-25T10:16:00.005-05:00

This is a new (to me) site that I've recently found. I just redundantly said the same thing twice. Stupid idiot. lemme get back on course. It's a free site that works with your gmail and archive's all your pictures, videos, and attachments.

Xoopit then presents them all online in thumbnail format similar to flickr or iphoto. The data still lives in your Gmail, it's just organized by xoopit. The archived stuff includes all the linked pictures or videos you ever sent or received. So that star wars kid video from 2005 is in there somewhere and appears as a thumbnail even tho it's not an attachment. The same goes for pictures that from someone's flickr account.

You can search by date, sender, or just browse thru all your old stuff. You can also configure it so that it only includes certain people or if you don't want it to include certain file types. The first screen shot on the right is scroll bar on top of your inbox, which itself is shrinkable. The 2nd screen shot is the full drop down which covering open inbox, but has not taken me away from the page. It smoothly shrinks back up leaving whatever I was doing on gmail un changed. The look and animation looks and feels alot like flickr or iphoto.

I've got 1.5 gigs of stuff my Gmail since mid 2004, early beta tester son. So the flyer Tova made for my 25th, which I probably don't have on my hard drive, appears in archived gallery. I'm finding all this from the drop down menu you see in the 2nd screen shot. If I hover over the photo I can choose to fwd it without having to find the original photo. I can also dload or delete from that menu.

The best thing about gmail is the search ability and the never having to delete anything. But if I don't remember when or to whom I sent a picture, and I can't think of a keyword for in that email, I'm fucked. I've got 9,444 emails in my archive right now so I'm not gonna just go poking around for it.

I know the smarter people reading this are gonna be concerned about ownership and security. Xoopit clearly states they do not own nor can they use your content. And you can tell it to exclude certain people or file types from the archive. I could worry more about the security but I don't think I've got scans of my tax return, SS# and borth certificate in there. At some point they might monetize the thing, or hopefully sell it to google who'll keep it free. But for now it costs the same as air.

Everyone should try it out. You have to sign up for the xoopit account and then dload the firefox add-on if you want to be able to work from your gmail page. It also works with yahoo, if you're still using that beast.

I got such a boner for this thing. The only thing I should mention is that it is taking along time to archive my stuff. So far it's only back to late 2007, but in a few days It'll be done.

Yay for the future!!!!!1

EDIT: I deleted this cuz I got scared of someone seeing my PDF bank statements

America's Next Top Progeria Idol

2009-02-24T11:15:00.006-05:00

It's a mutant form of the kids from Christmas story, or some kind of Progeria disease. Maybe he's an ugly Benjamin button? Anyway it's great. Voice of an angel.

Dunrite Brand Win

2009-02-20T11:51:00.008-05:00

For the bums in NY who think they'll get my greenbacks with their oh so cute "need money for beer" signs. This guy's game is tight, step it up son.

Sleeps on his stomach so he don't fuck up the sheets. nah mean?

Radikal Islamik Monkey Killed in Kopykat Krime not Honor Killing

2009-02-19T11:14:00.021-05:00

Last Thursday a well intentioned Mo Hassan:

Chops off the head of his wife, Aasiya Hassan:

Which Police say may have not have been a good old fashioned honor killing .

Then a week later Travis the Simian:

Chews rips off the hands and of Charla Nash:

who called 911 (yikes). There is no evidence Travis ever said “I will cast a dread into the hearts of the unbelievers. Therefore strike off their heads, and strike off all the ends of their fingers”.

Oh and then some guy drew this:

It's been a tough week for Monkey's, Wives, Islam, Cartoons, Hands and Faces.

Fish Tank Fire at Tracy Morgan's Apt Ruins 30 Rock Wifey's Wigs

2009-02-18T16:00:00.008-05:00

I thought this was a hoax, but no. Tracy Morgan's fish tank caught on fire thus setting off sprinklers in his neighbors apartment. His neighbor is the same lady as his wife on 30 rock and she's also the one on the View who said the Earf is flat. She has lots of wigs. Wigs are invulnerable to sprinkler water. Sherri has a r3tard of a kid (I bet he's fat) who, sangfroid in the face of the inferno, went and saved said wigs.

Out of all this wackiness I came up with a new interpretation of Hempel's Paradox. All fish are waterproof. All water is fire proof. Things that don't live in water are not fish. Tracey Morgan is a water proof Raven.

Thanks to gothamist for keeping me in the know. Go to Gawker to check out Sherri Shepard's video talking about near wig death experience. (Gawker and Gothamist are friends?)

Norm MacDonald on Conan as Capt. Sully

2009-02-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

Norm Play Sully Sullenbergerer, disses Conan and then shows us that Graham Norton is a mega fucktard cast from AIDS and fail.

Here's the interview:

Here's the Graham part:

Moar Norm here on videogum

733T Grandma iz in ur base killin all ur doodz

2009-02-13T09:34:00.001-05:00

Trampoline Foxes are the Wynn

2009-02-12T12:56:00.001-05:00

4th grade boner

2009-02-11T16:47:00.004-05:00

If I was in 4th grade watching this I would plop faint. The volume of blood being being drawn to my weiner would drain my brain mind. But watching this makes me wish I could do it.

I did jump out a plane in college. I'm scared as shit to do it again but a pack of wimps can get voltron strength, plus it ends up being fun!!!!111one. Anyone wanna go? It's crazy mindblowing and requires zero real life skills, which I'm sure you have lots of. It's super easy, there's only 3 steps

1. Pay some wacko $200 to climb on your back
2. Accept the high deth factor of risk
3. A second after step 2 it's too late so enjoy

It's the same 3 steps to getting butthurt from a man hooker. Except hitting the ground at terminal velocity is better than AIDS dying.

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

Sometimes No means Yes

2009-02-11T16:16:00.003-05:00

Tho only thing that stops me from rage fisting my monitor is the knowledge that this whore's boyfriend beats her. Hard.

T. Rex is Good for Fucking

2009-02-06T15:38:00.006-05:00

I just started listening to T. Rex and found out they are awesome. Not just those couple songs you know from being drunk in a dude bar. But all the way around radical. Last night I did some sexing with the Electric Warrior album on shuffle. It was pretty great. It's also great for driving also as well too redundant the same. Now that I think about it good driving albums make for good fucking albums. Woh lookit me drawing conclusions and whatnot and shit and etc!

World War Food!!!11one

2009-02-06T15:37:00.002-05:00

this is fucking great

I don't wash my calves.

2009-02-05T11:26:00.010-05:00

I am dismayed to find that neglecting to apply soap to my calves whilst in the shower distresses my peers. It has been asserted by these goodly folk that the calves require as much sanitary attention as the remainder of mine vessel. But I argue that it is sufficient to allow soap suds from my well lathered nether regions to run down my calves, cleansing that supple flesh.

Lest you're an archaeologist searching for lost scrolls in Qumran dressed in olive drab short pants, how much filth can your calves acquire? It is my conclusion that anywhere below the thighs and above the socks is as clean as the Queen's fine china, and it's an economical use of the soap. Though a Queen doesn't need to be frugal. She has vats of pillaged gold coins she's takes from her subjects.

How can these "friends" of mine be so distraught over the cleanliness of my fibula while the aristocracy tear babes from their mother's breast to spit roast them at their bacchanalian feasts! That is an atrocity to be distressed about. That is something that needs to be cleansed, washed away from this wretched earth! Kill the Queen and stone her children, let her eat cake! Eat the rich fuck their dogs! Hurrah hurrah!

You don't need to wash your calves, cuz they don't get dirty.

Need Unicorns?

2009-02-04T16:06:00.006-05:00

Rainbows and unicorns are like douche for teh head. They wash away all the dirt and filth that accumulates in ur brain mind after multiple internet usings. So wash away your goatse
thoughts with teh best thing evar the button

867-5309

2009-02-02T14:28:00.005-05:00

As of 2:29pm on February 2nd the highest bid for Jenny's phone number is $5,061 on ebay. Apparently she lives in Jersey. Radical.

UPDATE: on Feb 6th $369,100 american states dollars is the highest bid

ZZZZZOMAGURGHL

2009-01-29T15:40:00.007-05:00

I really didn't want to do another lecherous brah dude post, but omg this must be shared with the earths. These pictures are too much. I know what girls are saying it's all make-up, bronzer, and photoshop. Whatever, it makes my penis throw up milk. I promise no more drool posts.

Sauce here

PG Porn - Sasha Grey

2009-01-28T16:33:00.004-05:00

I guess once in a while SpikeTV does something amazing. Frat Brah humor + Sasha Grey = Winrar!

Pamela Anderson Flashback

2009-01-28T16:27:00.003-05:00

You know her high school boy friend had 2COOL vanity plates on his Firebird, anything less would be plane rong.

Steak for Retards

2009-01-28T12:47:00.004-05:00

As a follow up to a previous brilliant post I thought I'd just throw this link down. Tho I already explained it this recipe link has cute illustrations and... wait for it... bullet points! Go here for learning fools

Carlton is not to be fucked with

2009-01-26T22:32:00.006-05:00

When you got real friends they send you real shit. Git some...

thx to Jon

how to

2009-01-26T16:46:00.001-05:00

Apparently this is not a joke...

2009-01-22T12:48:00.003-05:00

I'm speechless. I am without speech.

Dickbutt

2009-01-22T12:42:00.003-05:00

the original comic

the Anti-Semetic Orangutan Axiom

2009-01-21T23:51:00.007-05:00

If you chained an immortal Orangutan to a keyboard he will eventually type "Jews did 911"

Trying to throw up a cannonball

2009-01-20T22:50:00.006-05:00

Here's a brief article on how summing up all that was wrong with the Bush administration is as impossible as puking a a large heavy object. It's a quick read, below is from Patrick Farley's article (blog entry really).

"Trying to explain what was wrong with the Bush Era feels like trying to vomit up a cannonball. I don't think my jaw can stretch that wide.

Seriously, where does one even begin? Abu Ghraib? Ahmed Chalabi? Mission Accomplished? The "Battle of Iraq?" Valerie Plame? No-bid contracts? The billions of dollars the Pentagon can't account for, and apparently never will? The Department of Justice firings? The blue Iraqi flag? The staged press conference? The fake Thanksgiving turkey? Terry Schiavo? Freedom Fries?

I can at least say this for Bush: he *didn't* plant any WMDs in Iraq.

But really, Bush himself wasn't the problem. Bush was a cipher, the perfect vacuum at the center of a perfect storm -- an ideological superstorm which rotated, like some slow, sick, wobbling hurricane of raw sewage over America for 8 years, like some brown, shitty version of Jupiter's Great Red Spot. This Neo-Conservative Superstorm, as I'll call it, had three major sources of energy feeding it:

a) a panicked population in need of a Protective Patriarch,

b) a Republican party crowded with brazen and reckless ideologues,

and most significantly:

c) A network of Conservative Think Tanks with deep pockets and a fearsomely coordinated army of media pundits."

Go here for the rest.

found on BoingBoing

Radical Islamic Birds crash plane in NYC

2009-01-15T19:42:00.014-05:00

Radical Islamic Sea Gulls crash US Airways Flight 1549. A flock of suicide birds calling themselves Gulls for the Jihad have claimed responsibility for the crash.

The following press release is being circulated by the Associated Press:

The UN is calling for negotiations but enraged citizens world wide are gathering around piers armed with homemade sardines stuffed with Alka Seltzer tablets.

CLICK FOR SOUND

Am I not a man, brother?

2009-01-14T11:19:00.021-05:00

Look, I'm no burly man type man. Ferchristsakes I'm an epileptic Jew from Manhattan. I can't drive a stick shift and can't really throw a football. But a real man still I am. Because there are other basic man things that you can know or do that make u certifiable. Let's delve deeper...

The only way of being a man is to have girls think of you as a man. It's intangible in a girls mind so you can't know for yourself, there is no man-dar. But by using your powers of deductive reasoning you can figure out how she feels, even if she won't divulge it. Here's a good method: You're laying in bed, watching Future Weapons or ATHF or Wings of the Luftwaffe, any shit a girl has no interest in. So you're watching your show and she's curled up on you head on your chest (muscular or flabby, hairy or bare, it doesn't matter) and she's not complaining about your show. She's bored to tears but it doesn't matter cuz her inner little girl is safe. She's just glad you're there. You know some man shit or did some man shit, so you deserve to control the remote. When the zombie apocalypse comes, she's definitely gonna call you first. Mazel tov you're a Man!

Take Woody Allen, whom I love but is further from manly as an insert metaphor. But he can get up on stage and be funny and bare his miserable soul. Balls that's all it takes him. He scored Mia Farrow AND her daughter. That's some man shit. So let's take you. You're a balding ectomorph with stage fright and clammy hands that can't throw or drive stick, oh and you're asthmatic.

The informational chart below will at least assure that the "Cooks meat" box is checked in "Man or Pussy" checklist. If Nate Silver were to assign weight to this item on the man spectrum, he'd give an 82. Which is equivalent to the importance of Pennsylvania going blue . If you're straight and you keep a live journal page or have an asymmetrical haircut, you should definitely bone up on this knowledge. It's easier than learning how to sail, and more convenient than driving stick.

So when she suggests the "let's cook dinner at home this Wednesday night", use this. It's way moar better than breaking out you're stupid chili recipe. Bitches see right through that crap, it's written on the goddamn McCormick seasoning package.

Get a cast iron pan, a rib eye, throw the pan in the oven, 500f, oil salt pepper, sear flip sear, 90 seconds, flip 90 seconds. Eat. She's totally wet for you, if not she's a vegan and you've got more problems than I can ever help you with.

I'll try and post more of this shit. Aside from the throwing and the stick shift thing I have also own a chihuahua and don't know what a carburetor is. But I'm doing well.

You're Lawrence Welkome fuckers:

clickforbig

You David Mamet shall be forged, nay, cast in gold!

2009-01-13T16:40:00.009-05:00

Since everyone else posts their oh so funny IMs on their wee blogs I've jumped on le chariot de bande too. So here's Woody telling me to listen to Pulp (who i never got into). The last 4 lines are Mamet worthy dialogue.

Me: why is tumblr good?

Me: is it easier than blogger?

Woody Fu: yes

Woody Fu: well...

Woody Fu: its easier to update for the average dumb dumb

Me: bloggers pretty retard proof

Woody: its laid out in such a way that it encourages constant meaningless updating

Me: i see

Me: im trying it now

Woody: also I realized a good song to listen to

Woody: while we were driving around singing the pixies

Woody: would have been "monday morning" by pulp

Me: i listened to them a bit

Me: still didnt get it

Me: by a bt i mean like 5 mins

Me: so it will need more investigation

Woody: sooo good

Woody: search "pulp" on my blog

Woody: and DL those songs

Woody: you're golden

Woody: you will be forged of gold

Me: gold is usually cast

Woody Fu: fine

Woody Fu: you will be cast in gold

Where was I on Oct 8th and each night thereafter...

2009-01-13T16:29:00.004-05:00

until "How to lose friends and alien..." was in theaters? Was this movie good? Did anyone see it? It's got that awesome british dude and this Megan Fox chick who just made me have sex with my own peehole. God, blonde hair is the most overrated invention since infinity years ago.

Skeet.

The Bronx eat welll.

2009-01-09T22:19:00.004-05:00

I been listening to the 2006 Bronx album everyday on the way back from work. Anyway found this on their blog (yeah i have a man crush so what fuckhat).

I dunno which tab is which but whoever is on the right rolls hard.

The internet has everything...

2009-01-09T10:48:00.003-05:00

Roller Disco

2009-01-06T18:45:00.006-05:00

Looking for the original Armand Van Helden version of this song I came across this amazing video and remix made by some dude. It is fucking bonkers. These are those last hangers on of rollerskate dancing which I think is long over due for a come back. I know there are still black people with airbrushed jeans that do it. But what about the rest of us that aren't in the back of Usher videos? It looks so rad! Check out his mid 90's home video editing. Magic rainbow!

Plus he didn't fuck up the song too bad.

Golden Doorknob's Flying Whores

2009-01-06T16:47:00.007-05:00

Found it! I can quit the rat race, job race, life race, etc race. I have my genius get rich quick plan, and it isn't selling those electric fly swatters I found in China (green light pending).

Skydiving whores! I am opening the first whore house in the sky, and I'm not talking about the Arab kind with the 72 virgins. *ZING*

$5 thousand US dollars will get you a whore, a parachute, and an airplane. The sex part is between u and that godless strumpet. I'm a people person baby, I only facilitate. I don't axe no questions, but still get a cut of that bitches cheese. Wait, why am I telling u the secret knowledges of my genius brain mind rhetorical question? Fuck.

Anyway check it...

Lookit Phil, my first customer. Check out his pecker! It's rock hard! I been went skydiving once, and, against the recommended long pants and jumpsuit I wore shorts and a sweatshirt. It was fucking freeeeezing! But 10,000 feet isn't cold when you have 2 wayward foxes with their amazing inverted flapping tits. Yo if the air pressure can make their boobs do that and Phil's dils is still standing up (down?), you know he's a happy jon.

Holla

Souljah Boy got his shit took...

2009-01-05T14:51:00.002-05:00

Souljah Boys house got robbed. Which is whatever. But then the doods who did it went on youtube and told everyone. You already got watches and chains? What more do you need? Also, they shot Tupac.

Run your Northface son!

How to drop comment ownage

2009-01-05T13:04:00.005-05:00

This is the best troll response in the internet. I know because I invented it:

Commenter X: You're so stupid. I bet you're fat and have a tiny dick. Get a life L00s3r.

Commenter Y (You): @ Commenter X
The square roots of integers, that are not perfect squares are always irrational numbers. Meaning they are numbers not expressible as a ratio of two integers. For example, √2 cannot be written exactly as m/n, where n and m are integers. Nonetheless, it is exactly the length of the diagonal of a square with side length 1.

An Hero...

2009-01-05T13:03:00.003-05:00

is diong it rong

Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodle - Poodle Power!

2008-12-22T16:33:00.008-05:00

I feel a bit guilty about my last post. Penis humor of any kind is pretty base. Still the chart says "orientals" that alone is worth posting. In fact if you have any other scientific charts that say Orientals, please send them hither for immediate postitude and a free chewy granola bar.

Moving on to higher minded content, I present you with this ri-dog-ulous nonsense.
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A poodle groomed and dyed to look like Donatello, of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Look at that bitch (rim shot) isn't she chuffed. There are more white trash retarded poodle haircuts here at Joshua Bearman's blog, where I stole this shit from.

Black people win (duh)

2008-12-22T14:22:00.007-05:00

A very scientific chart for avg weiner by race. Apparently there are only 3 races. I bet the Indians and the chinese are fighting over this right now. I just hope the Arabs don't get thrown in with us white folk. I don't like Arabs or their stupid dicks.

More dick size facts at this very reputable site

XKCD guide to understanding flow charts presented in flow chart form

2008-12-18T09:30:00.010-05:00

Funny flow charts are def the haps. It's nothing new, that bacon flow chart has been around a while, and my attempt at a funny flow chart came out all right. XKCD has one today. He's the smartest funny guy ever invented. I don't get half his comics because I am not a former NASA physicist (which he actually is for real) but the ones I get are awesome and astoundingly clever. Check it.

Wrong Tina Turner! We do need another hero...

2008-12-17T12:31:00.006-05:00

...and I've got 2 of them right here. Precious Taft and Michelle Sutlovich on Stairway to Stardom in 1982 and '83 on NYC public access.

Unfortunately I was not watching public access until '86, when my neighbor John showed me Robyn Bird on the J channel. Had I been old enough to appreciate more than Robyn's and her naked friends singing "Baby Let Me Bang You Box"; I would be a better 30 yr old man-child than I am today.

Fleetwood Mac - Stevie is hotter than that 6.5 posted on SC&TVB

2008-12-16T14:27:00.014-05:00

Stevie Nicks came up today on Street Carnage, and I had alot to say about her. Gavin compared some avg hipsterish broad to my favorite 70s wiccan priestess fox.

FM have't been on this blag yet cuz it's still new , and cuz Woody has found every cool clip and reference to them ever. Since half the people who read this crap are friends of ours, I dint wanna grab his shit. I only plagiarize the Associated Press.

I had a hard time deciding which clip would better prove my point, so I posted both. They are both live versions of Rhiannon. She goes for broke on the last verse, check out the end parts.

UPDATE: As of 11:25pm I've decided: Video 1 is better quality and Stevie's hair is hotter. Video 2 is a different arrangement of the song and Stevie is more bad ass at the end.

Below is the same song, different show. I wish there was a good clip of The Chain.

Mommy I want to cum out!

2008-12-12T17:00:00.004-05:00

Your baby is like a giant cock dildo. Literally. You can fuck yourself, with your baby.

Step 1 get knocked up
Step 2 watch this movie
Step 3 fuck your vagina using your slimy unborn child as a dildo

Don't worry, it's endorsed by new age people.

Who's hungry for babies?

Mooninites ftw

2008-12-11T12:54:00.004-05:00

Ursus Arctos playing Ice Hockey

2008-12-10T15:14:00.005-05:00

Bears fuck shit up. I love how tiny their feet look in the skates.

Yes this is real.

_

Closeted gai Mayor reviews film about 1st openly gey "Mayor"

2008-12-09T12:59:00.012-05:00

Not that anyone cares but Ed Koch has a review of Milk in the Villager newspaper (does anyone besides me read it?). Anyway I find it amusing that our favorite "secretly" gei Mayor and all around mensch Ed Koch, is reviewing the movie about San Fransico's 1st Gey "mayor".

Actually Milk was never mayor, nor did he run. But he was a city councilman and mayor for 1 day while the real mayor was on vacation. However he was called the Mayor of the Castro. Apparently that is the neighborhood where all the fagelas hang out. He might have been mayor but some dick head went and shot him. All the info in this paragraph courtesy of Wikipedia.

If you care to read Koch's review click HERE

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the best naugthy girls underwear ever invented evar

2008-12-08T14:20:00.007-05:00

ugh. I just died.

They have a store in soho. You should go into it, it's awesome I get a boner just walking by. Clicky for link to their site. Gold plated handcuff and dildo set? Yes mistress.

EDIT: On the bottom picture, notice how u can see that strap on her inner ass cheek behind the pussy region. That is a killer angle. I love bums.

Amazon Reviews for: Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

2008-12-05T10:05:00.015-05:00

So this is a classic internet meme that somehow alot of people still don't know about.

Amazon.com sells milk online, which is r3tarded. Way back yonder in 2005 someone reviewed the milk and as of today 1,006 more people have submitted their reviews to hilarious effect.

Here's one of my fav reviews, click for big:

It's out of stock now, sad face emoticon

_

I would rape this man...

2008-12-01T15:13:00.007-05:00

Since rape is really about hate & control, not sex, I will personally "control" all the god awful mother fuckers on this site. There are too many to post, but here's a few that will make u want to pee in your own eyes.

Russian men under 40 are the worst people evar invented.

OMG better than turkey!

2008-12-01T12:52:00.004-05:00

Some dumb fuck crashed a Lamborghini in front of my parents house the day after Thanksgiving! Fucking awesome! This dummy came around a corner, did a full 180 and ran backwards up a little slope into a big fatty tree! Ever since they repaved our road numb-skulls with sports cars like to speed down on it cuz it's all curvy and shit.

What a fuckwad right! Hilarious! The dude, and his 17 yr old son (who wasn't driving. yeah right) weren't hurt. But they're $275,000 car was! Oh shit fuck! Seriously this was awesome. I was out there laughing with all the cops (oink-oink) at this asshat wearing douche-tarded snot covered cunt bat. I bet this was his last glory ride before putting this hoopty on the market after losing his jerb at citi-bank or whatever. To the poor house for you Lamborghini man!

Lookit the pictures that I have included which are pictures of this event images.

DIY Blue Album

2008-11-26T14:19:00.003-05:00

B3ta had a make ur own version of an album cover contest. I dint see the rule about no photoshop, so I got made fun of. Anyway I have nothing else to post so here's this thing.

a better use of your time would be re-watching the post below

Unreal boobcicles

2008-11-24T22:19:00.003-05:00

They have butts where their breasts should be! Awesome.

Spider Email

2008-11-21T19:17:00.004-05:00

Brian, my best pal just sent this to me. It's awesome. I'm still sick, go to fuck. Click picture for reading time.

I'm Sick

2008-11-20T15:54:00.000-05:00

bring soup

Westboro Baptist Church

2008-11-18T17:14:00.005-05:00

If you're not up on the WBC then the amazing picture below should give you good reason. Their website is funny for infinity and on. They do some srsly fucked up shit, like protest Iraq war funerals with hate signs. But take a look thru their Gallery of Sings and you'll find beauties like this:

What's the URL for their Church? Duh: www.godhatesfags.com